Filling the Gap

Filling the Gap


It's been a rough week.  This was my 4th week at a new job, a big transition for me after spending 3 years as a SAHM.  And I am feeling all of the discomfort that comes from a transition of that magnitude:)  It's been a while since I've worked this much - between Army moves and little kids, my work history has been sporadic for many years.  Thankfully, with my husband now recently retired from the service (another transition) I have the opportunity to practice Neuropsychology again.  I love it, I really do.  But about that 3-4 week mark is the time that all the honeymooning wears off.  I'm beginning to get a better sense of the personalities I'm dealing with at work, and they are getting to know my quirks as well (including my bad habit of impulsive interrupting during staff meetings - oops).
Not only that, this week there have been several times that I've messed up - enough that I've needed to be educated by people who know what they're doing.  Granted I'm new.  But honestly, I'm also rusty.  My skills are rusty, my information base is rusty, my tolerance for full days of challenging mental work - all rusty.   It hasn't helped that my husband has been out of town all week and I'm tackling parenting, cooking and cleaning mostly solo as well. It's exhausting and discouraging.  I really like being good at things.  I really like making real-food meals for my family, I like being the kind of visiting teacher who visits every month and brings cookies, I really like being technically proficient at work.  And this past week, this past month even, it's not happening.





So there's this great big gap between my expectations about who I am and how I should be able to function in all these activities and my actual abilities and actual functioning.  Life in that gap has been uncomfortable.
I doubt I'm in serious jeopardy at work.  They've seen my resume, my work experience (and the big gaping holes in my work experience).  I'm sure they understand it may take me a bit to get up to speed.  But I don't like disappointing people, even a little.  Did I say that I'm uncomfortable?
Several times this week I've come home from work stewing about something that didn't go well, which of course carries over to my interactions with the kids.  They notice I'm preoccupied and frustrated.  I really don't want to fall into a pattern like that.  I want to be fully present and attentive with them (see those high expectations) now that my time is more limited. 
So this evening I've been thinking about what to do with that discomfort.  How am I going to survive this learning curve at work and appropriately adjust my expectations in my other activities?  I don't foresee the gap closing too quickly, and so it seems that the best solution right now is to try to fill it with something else.


Something like a bit of compassion and a lot of grace. 


As I was thinking about this whole idea of filling the gap, it struck me that this is almost the textbook definition of grace - the love of God that fill the space between the ideal and where we actually are.   Not only does grace make up the difference for us, allowing us to lay claim to the blessing of eternal life; it fills that uncomfortable space, creating a place where it's ok to be imperfect, it's ok to make mistakes and learn from them.  Grace gives us that room to mess up, to fall on our faces and still be worthy and worthwhile. We're here to learn, after all.  Grace takes into account our attempts and desires for good, even when we don't hit the mark.  And honestly, this is where we live as humans, whether we think about it much or not. 
But oh, it's so hard letting go of the thoughts, the expectations of perfection (or whatever is close to that).  It's surprisingly hard to grant ourselves enough compassion to feel that grace - to really take it in and sit with that undeserved love from our Savior that comes in spite of our many human flaws.  Being aware of our weakness without being defensive or overly sensitive, and then channeling those feelings of love and compassion for ourselves - that is sometimes the difficult thing about grace. 






The good thing about this exercise is that it is honest.  It is truthful.  It encourages humility.  And it is yet again more proof of just how desperately we need our Savior. 


I'm hopeful that as I practice more compassion with my own weakness, I'll be better at extending that compassion and grace to those around me - living their own struggles within that gap.